Burada basit bir İngilizce ile yazılmış 50 adet fıkra bulacaksınız. Bazı fıkralar tabi ki bizde olduğu gibi komik olmayabilir. Bunları sınıfta öğrencileriniz ile kullanabilirsiniz.
A man wanted to drive to Littlemorehampton. He lost his way. He stopped and asked someone,
“Which is the road to Littlemorehampton?”
“Turn right until you arrive at the farm of Mr Humbert.”
“But which farm is Mr Humbert’s?”
“The one on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton.”
A man and a woman wanted to buy a flat. The agent took them to a cheap flat to look. They did not like it very much.
The woman said, “It is important to know – is it insulated?”
“Yes” said a voice from the flat above them, “But the insulation doesn’t work.”
The teacher said,
“Short waves cannot pass around objects. Long waves can.”
The class did not understand. The teacher put his hat in front of his face.
“Can you see my face?”
“Can you hear my voice?”
“What does that prove?”
“You are talking through your hat.”
(To talk through your hat = to talk nonsense)
A young singer went to a small town to sing in a concert. His agent was encouraging him.
“The audience seems ordinary. In fact they are now rich. They grow tomatoes.”
“I will not sing,” said the singer. “I will return to London. Tomatoes are expensive there. No one will throw tomatoes at me if I do not sing well in London.”
A small child met his new teacher for the first time.
“Are you good?” asked the teacher.
“I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with.”
Two men were talking in a bar. One said,
“My problem is I do not like my mother-in-law but she lives with us. Yesterday, I tried to solve my problem. I went to the public house and I drank too much. I forgot my problems. But when I returned home – there were two mothers-in-law waiting.”
A man went to a shoe-shop to buy shoes. He put many pairs on his feet. Finally, he was satisfied.
“At last,” he said, “I have found a pair of shoes that fit me.”
“I am not surprised,” replied the weary salesman, “They are your own shoes.”
A woman was very angry with her husband.
“I understand you have been telling people that I nag you.”
“No. People tell me.”
“What do you mean?”
“They tell me that you are a nag. I reply, ‘Why should you need to tell me?'”
- A husband complained to his friend: “I can never keep a secret from my wife. She always knows when I lie. I do not know why a scientist invented a machine to detect lies. My wife is better than any machine.”
A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain. Afterwards, he said to a local,
“How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape.”
“O no sir,” came the reply. “Bulls don’t move a muscle. It’s cows that react to a red cape, sir.”
“Then why did the bulls react so violently today?” insisted the foreigner.
“They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows.”
People from Scotland are notorious for meanness. One of them went to a ski resort.
He said to the ski instructor,
“I want to learn to ski. I want to ski using one leg only.”
“Yes sir. Why only one leg?”
“Because I will only need one ski. It will be cheaper for me than to hire two.”
Tarzan is a character from books and films who lives in the jungle with the animals and his wife Jane.
One day Jane asked him why, when he moved through the trees, swinging from branch to branch, he shouted so loudly.
He replied that a pharmaceutical company paid him to do so. The company makes pills for people who have sore throats and cannot speak loudly. Tarzan sucks the pills and the company films him and his loud shouts. They use the film for publicity to prove that their pills are effective.
At the optician’s, a customer asked,
“Are my new glasses ready?”
“Yes sir,” replied the optician who was a pretty girl. “Try them.”
He did and was satisfied. He said,
“I can see you very well. Good-bye young man.”
Scientists wanted to study a meeting between a man and a female gorilla. They found a stupid man and asked him if he would meet a female gorilla for $5,000.
He said yes, but made three conditions.
One, someone with a gun must stay in the cage with them to protect him.
Two, the gorilla must wear lipstick to make her pretty.
Three, he did not want to pay all the money at once, but in three payments.
Two friends meet in a bar. One says to the other,
“I understand your wife has abandoned you. You must be very sorry. I suggest you go home and drink a lot of beer to forget your troubles.”
“Why not? Do not you have any beer?”
“Yes I have beer. But I have no troubles to forget.”
A lecherous king once wanted to seduce a lady of his court. He tried many methods but she resisted them all. Finally, he asked directly,
“Which is the quickest way to your bedroom?”
At once, she replied with a smile,
“First we must go to the church (to get wed), then we can go to the bedroom.”
A man went into a shop and asked for a muzzle. The shopkeeper offered him one. He rejected it. The shopkeeper was annoyed. He said,
“I’m sure it will give satisfaction. I sold one to a lady half an hour ago. She was very pleased with it.”
“Perhaps she was. I want a muzzle for my dog.”
In the night an old woman who had never married, used her telephone. She said,
“Come quickly. There is a man climbing up the wall. He wants to enter my bedroom through the window.”
“You have made a mistake. This is the fire brigade. You need the police.”
“I know what I’m doing. Come at once. I insist. His ladder’s too short.”
One rich women said to another,
“It is shameful. Everyone is dishonest.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Today my husband dismissed his cashier.”
“He stole $100 from the till.”
“How did your husband discover it?”
“Because there was $200 missing from the till. I confessed to my husband that I had only taken $100.”
The people of Scotland have a reputation for meanness. A man went into a bar in Scotland and bought a ham sandwich. He took a bite but there was no ham. So he complained.
The barman told him to bite again.
He did – no ham.
“That is the explanation” said the barman. “You have already eaten all the ham.”
The school teacher had just told the story of the wolf and the lamb.
“So you see, children, the wolf ate the naughty lamb because it disobeyed.”
“Yes miss,” pointed out a youngster. “And if the lamb had been good, we would have eaten it ourselves.”
Two lecturers were talking.
“How do you know when it is time to finish?”
“When the students look at their watches every ten minutes, I sum up. When one starts to change the batteries in his watch, I finish.”
A man and a woman are in a doctor’s waiting-room.
“Excuse me,” said the man timidly. “Are you here, like me, for the operation to change your sex?”
“If they fit you, will you exchange your skirt for my trousers?”
Father is reading Cinderella to his son to send him to sleep.
“Daddy,” interrupts the wide-awake youngster, “When the pumpkin changed into a golden carriage, what did Cinderella declare on her tax return – extra income or capital growth?”
A man believed alcohol was very dangerous. He invited people to listen to his reasons. At the end he said,
“Now you understand how dangerous alcohol is – let us all throw our alcohol into the sea.”
Silence. One man applauded loudly.
“You agree with me?” asked the speaker.
“Of course. I am a beach-comber. I collect everything that comes from the sea.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on good manners.
“Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady’s foot. What do you do?”
“I say ‘Pardon me’.”
“Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?”
“Step on the other foot to get a second one.”
A woman visited a family. At the end of her visit, she gave a small coin to the little boy whose family she had been visiting. He put it in his pocket without thanking her.
His mother, thinking perhaps he was shy, asked,
“What do you reply?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do. What do I say when your father gives me money?”
“You say ‘Is that all?'”
A doctor visited a patient who was a married woman. After the examination, he said to her husband outside the room,
“I do not like your wife’s appearance.”
“I do not like it either,” replied the husband. “But she has a lot of money.”
A man returned home early to find his son frightened.
“Daddy, there’s a monster in your bedroom. He’s hidden in mummy’s wardrobe.”
Puzzled, the man went upstairs. His wife was in bed. When the husband opened the wardrobe door he found his oldest friend inside.
“You’ve been my friend for twenty years,” complained the husband angrily. “But now you frighten my little boy.”
A policeman visited a fortune-teller.
“One of your clients has lodged a complaint against you. I must arrest you for fraud.”
“Which client?” she demanded.
“But madam, surely you must know.”
In class, the teacher said,
“I shall write a sentence on the blackboard. Find the error.”
She wrote, “I did not hava vere happy holidays.”
“What is the mistake Henry?”
Henry thought. “Perhaps you needed a boyfriend.”
A big man was accused of beating his wife. He was taken to court. The judge said to him,
“How could a big man like you beat such a small woman?”
“She made me.”
“She repeated ‘Beat me? If you do, I will find a judge stupid enough to send you to prison’.”
The judge thought. Then he said, “You are innocent.”
- (In England, when you talk to a judge in court, you call him “my lord”.)
A man was arrested for being drunk. He was taken to court and appeared before a judge. Still drunk, he protested that he was innocent.
“I was as drunk as you are. As drunk as a Judge.”
The judge was annoyed. He corrected the man “The expression is ‘As sober as a Judge’. We say ‘As drunk as a Lord'”.
“Yes my Lord. Sorry my Lord. Well that is how drunk I was.”
Two psychiatrists were talking. One said,
“One of my patients thinks that he is a taxi.”
“Can you cure him?”
“No. Why should I?”
“Every weekday after work he carries me home.”
In court, the accused man was clearly guilty. His lawyer did not know what to say to the judge. Finally, he said,
“It is Christmas. A time for pity and goodwill.”
“I agree,” said the judge. “I will make a decision next week.”
A mother always gave her child a spoonful of cod liver oil for her health. The child hated the taste. So she insisted that her grandmother, not her mother, measure the spoonful.
“Why?” asked her mother.
“Because she trembles,” replied the child.
Two old ladies were talking.
“How is your grandson getting on? ” asked one.
“Fine, fine. You know he works in a theatre? Only a week ago, he was the back legs of a horse. Now he’s been promoted to the front legs.”
A stockbroker went to hospital and had an operation. When it was over, he was part asleep, part awake.
The nurse measured his temperature.
The patient heard her say,
“Good,” said the stockbroker patient, half-asleep. “At 100, you must sell.”
A man went into a travel agent. He asked for a brochure on Greece. The brochure had pictures of all the famous Greek sites.
“I see only ruins,” he said, “Not temples and palaces. So do you give discounts?”
Two mothers were talking. One admitted,
“I am too strict with my little boy.”
“Why should you think so?”
“Yesterday I took him to a big shop. I lost him. A store detective found him. But when he asked the boy his name, the child replied,
“I’m ‘John Don’t-touch-that’.”
A cannibal spent four years studying at Oxford university. At the end of it, he was asked,
“When you return to the jungle, will you still continue to eat human flesh?”
“Of course I will,” he replied, “But I’ll always use a knife and fork.”
A ten-year-old daughter of rich parents was very spoilt and vain. Every person she met, she would tell,
“I am the daughter of General X.”
Her mother tried to correct her.
“You must not boast to everyone who your father is.”
The next day, mother and daughter were walking when they met an old friend of the family whom they had not seen for some time.
“Aren’t you General X’s daughter?” she asked the child.
“I always thought I was”, replied the malicious little girl, “But mummy tells me I must be more modest and not say who my father really is.”
There was a science teacher in a laboratory with his class. He said,
“First, I take a fly. Now I put it under a microscope. Then I say ‘Go away fly’. Now you see – it obeyed me. It has flown off.
Second, I take the same fly. I remove its wings. Then I say ‘Go away fly’. But you see – it stays. Conclusion – it is not listening.”
In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor was examining a patient.
“Why are you laughing so heartily?”
“I was telling myself funny stories and I’d just told one I’d never heard before.”
A television producer was invited by an impresario to audition a dog. The dog talked, sang and told stories. The producer was very pleased and gave the dog a contract to sign. But a larger dog entered the studio. It seized the performing dog and dragged it away.
“What happened?” asked the producer.
“That was its mother,” said the impresario with regret. “She wants her son to become a doctor instead.”
Two rabbits were in a wood. They talked about another rabbit, a friend of theirs called Johnny.
“How is he nowadays?”
“He was very successful. He ended his life in Paris. Now people think he is a mink.”
A couple were watching television. The programme showed horses show-jumping. One horse jumped very badly.
“Turn off the television for a while,” said the wife. “Allow that tired horse to recover.”
An American teacher told his class how Christopher Columbus had discovered America.
“He was very brave. He took a risk. Without him, there would be no United States today.”
All the children looked impressed except one.
“Don’t you think Columbus was a hero?”
“I am an Indian.”
A man who worked at the docks went to the doctor. The doctor knew that the man drank a lot of alcohol and that can result in damage to the liver. So he warned,
“If you continue like this, you could have a serious problem. In future, I recommend you restrict yourself to water.”
Some months later, the doctor met his patient on the quay and said,
“I hope you took my advice.”
“Yes doctor,” replied the man. “I changed my job. Now I am a diver and I spend all my life in the water.”
A young catfish lived, like all catfish, on the bottom of the pond. But one day, for a change, it swam to the surface. It happened that a cat was looking into the water. So the tiny catfish, very impressed, swam down again quickly.
It called to its mother, “Quick, quick. I have seen God.”